This first post is going to be sour. Today started out grand but ended with my head stuck in a heap of shit. I knew my dog, Sarah, was sick after having watched her at my house for the weekend, but I assumed it was just nerves. After all, she was away from her home and my mother, who normally cared for her. Visiting her today, though, I see that she's only gotten worse. She was still happy to see me. She looked up at me and began wagging her tail, but she didn't stand. There's something wrong with her feet, as she can't seem to straighten her toes. Fucking pitiful. I carried her down the stairs and out the front door to the lawn where she could do her thing. She's completely unable to move on her own. What's worse is that she knows I'm trying to help. I set her down to shut the door behind me on the way in, and she sat there, completely still, looking at me. She was waiting for me to carry her the rest of the way. I took her up the stairs and gently set her in her small bed made of blankets. She lie there. Her head sunk into the blankets. Her breaths coming only with great effort. Her body still as stone, eyes tired and lonely. "Fuck it all" I figured she'd say. Her eyes tell you she's had enough. She's exhausted and just wants to rest.

I can't stand the idea of losing another dog. These animals were my siblings. We grew up with them. They were just always there. Crystal, my first dog passed away, and I have dreams of her almost every night still. I watched her die right before me, and as I did it felt as if something inside me was being twisted. I've never felt so... wrong in my entire life. I don't know how I'll handle losing another friend again so soon. I will though, because I have to, but I wonder about the terrible dreams it'll bring me.