Wanna know a secret?

Wanna know a secret...? Daddy kills people...

Today was an interesting day. The Arnold Classic is being held this weekend, here, in Columbus, Ohio. We visited a few of the tournaments and saw people fencing, kick-boxing, weight-lifting, and the list goes on. I just thought that was neat. Honestly, there's no way I can explain how this entire weekend has gone so far. Maybe I'll tell you about it the next time we see each other. I'll say this though: If there was ever a time to believe in fate, this would be it. For me, anyway.

I've often wondered if I've forgotten what it is to feel alive. That sounds corny. Let me clarify. Whenever I'm sitting alone, observing something interesting, something alive or moving, and I really begin to focus, I begin to realize. For instance, today I was petting my aunt's dog. Four years ago I was watching trees moving in the wind. See, I get this feeling. I realize how distant all my senses seem to me. Everything I experience seems to be on the other side of a pane of glass. Like I'm just watching a movie with no control over the outcome. I feel close to what's happening. Sometimes closer than others, I guess, but never quite there. I feel like... Like everything happening now is something that happened thirty years ago in my life, and I'm about to wake up from a coma, thirty years from now, and realize that distance I feel now is thirty years of sleep. I guess in short, I feel like this is all a dream. A dream I had a long time ago. I feel ready to wake up any moment now.

I'm tired. I'm not going to edit this. Good night.

R.I.P.

Well... today was the day. We took Sarah to the vet to get euthanized. I really don't think she cared. When Crystal died, poor thing, she spent her last breaths struggling for life. That's how she always was. But Sarah was just sick of it. As her body shut down she didn't even flinch. Well. That's that. I started writing about Crystal and Sarah here, but now that I think about it, it isn't necessary. They were amazing, and I'll miss them very much.

Feigning Confidence

I left the house today for the first time in a week. Lately I've been having this irrational fear of public places. I'm one of those people who feels like everyone's looking at them, all the time. All I did was visit Kroger, but as I walked through the store, I took note of my own behavior. Forcing myself to look directly at people, even when they look at me. Watching them break eye contact first makes me chuckle. I never realized it, but other people's confidence in social settings is just as fragile, if not more so, than mine. I'm not really the kind of guy to keep eye contact with a stranger. Hell, I hardly ever keep eye contact when talking to a friend (I really need to fix that.) But if I force myself to, I find that I boost my own self-confidence, if only a little. Feigning self confidence. Another thing I force myself to do is walk with long, quick, deliberate strides. It makes me look confident. What sickens me, though, is that I don't have the confidence to walk around without any fucking clue where I'm going. I feel insecure... vulnerable when I'm just wandering around with no direction. Fucking stupid. Anyway, as I leave the store, I begin to laugh to myself. "I sure fooled them", I think, "Pulled the mask right over their eyes. They think I'm tougher than I really am." One moment later and I come to my senses, realizing just what I'm doing. In the end, the only person I'm fooling is myself. I don't know why I need to become someone else when I'm out of the house. It doesn't make any sense. I need to get over it.

This first post is going to be sour. Today started out grand but ended with my head stuck in a heap of shit. I knew my dog, Sarah, was sick after having watched her at my house for the weekend, but I assumed it was just nerves. After all, she was away from her home and my mother, who normally cared for her. Visiting her today, though, I see that she's only gotten worse. She was still happy to see me. She looked up at me and began wagging her tail, but she didn't stand. There's something wrong with her feet, as she can't seem to straighten her toes. Fucking pitiful. I carried her down the stairs and out the front door to the lawn where she could do her thing. She's completely unable to move on her own. What's worse is that she knows I'm trying to help. I set her down to shut the door behind me on the way in, and she sat there, completely still, looking at me. She was waiting for me to carry her the rest of the way. I took her up the stairs and gently set her in her small bed made of blankets. She lie there. Her head sunk into the blankets. Her breaths coming only with great effort. Her body still as stone, eyes tired and lonely. "Fuck it all" I figured she'd say. Her eyes tell you she's had enough. She's exhausted and just wants to rest.

I can't stand the idea of losing another dog. These animals were my siblings. We grew up with them. They were just always there. Crystal, my first dog passed away, and I have dreams of her almost every night still. I watched her die right before me, and as I did it felt as if something inside me was being twisted. I've never felt so... wrong in my entire life. I don't know how I'll handle losing another friend again so soon. I will though, because I have to, but I wonder about the terrible dreams it'll bring me.